hi.
it's cool here. its cool today. it was hot yesterday. the girls i babysit understand things that i didn't know kids understood. being in the moment. it comes so easily to them. maddie and i read the stinky cheese man and i mad her crack up so hard with the voices i did. i had done those voices before. when i was seven. why am i this timeless machine?
why does life scatter by with these moments of goodness and so many moments of dullness and lonliness. this zen way of living. this apartment i'm in. the eye contact. so open. and worldly and coming from bad but now is good. its good. its good. all is good. i went to get a mango this morning. i decided on the way there that i am going to give in a bit to my body. that it seems to know things now a days. i am afraid of teaching yoga. i know i can be good. i know i am good. i want to have fun with it. i want to know. that i'm a good teacher. it's hard. difficult. to know.
my scene partner. dennis.  he's older. we felt the present moment too! and all was well. and he gave me this scene. this character that i could "walk into" and i did. it was so great. to read. in a way that felt so natural. it worked. like my new apartment. of course the girl in the spare room decided that june would be her last month. so i can move out of the "attic" and into her room. of course.
and of course. when i wished for less babysitting. the other babysitter needed more.
and of course when it was too hot to teach yoga they cancelled on me.
and
and and
i am a child.
i went to sleep in the studio last night. its a big studio with high ceilings.
to dennis. i told him that i sometimes relate with the arthur miller women only in the way that they seeem uneducated but have a high emotional iq.
i got that from "dutch" the way that i'm smart.
i said "unicorn" to him the other day. in a text.
and.
my scene partner. this part. the master builder. i want to do it. i've been reading more.
a girl in the theatre class. she started crying saying she thought there was something wrong with her brain when she couldn't slow down and take pauses and do what she had intended to do in the scene.
and i thought about that in terms of my focus and my reading skills.
but i think. if i can do all this yoga. i can read. am i even doing a lot of yoga? i don't even know anymore. i haven't been putting myself into categories as much as i had before.
i'm on a computer in the laundry mat.
the type writer is working well. the type writer and these stones that he has in his "attic" which i'm staying in. and drums. and all of clothes. all of my clothes all of my clothes.
i pray for things and they're coming. i realize how to pray now. it has to come from this very very very nothing place.
a place of purity. and goodness. and goodness. that is a little beyond the word.
and it must be very very generous. the prayer. it needs to benifit a couple parties, it seems. world. world. world. there is a world.
walking out of babysitting yesterday, the dad. he speaks with an english accent and meditates too. and we had  a strange moment walking out. it was strange. because he's in a rough place. and i'm in a boring poor lonely place. and we are both meditators. we both know. that this will pass. it was strange i think. i don't know. it was a trust in the universe but a slight anger at. having to deal with the universe. or deal with this in and out and time and space and jobs. i wonder what i want my life to be like. and then i realize. well. its happening. now. again. with the now theme. it will end soon. appreciate it.