ugly opinions

dan said that i should not stop writing. i tend to listen to really smart people.
i tend to think i'm pretty dumb. because i am.
i don't remember facts and i don't remember dates and i mess up people's names.
but i can run pretty far and i can dance pretty well and i can speak loudly.
and i can know mostly how people are feeling.
i can feel a lot.
i can feel a lot.
"don't be an actress and just feel this feel that oh i'm going to feel so much, just get on with it. leave things alone. move on."
"i feel like you think i think everything is about me."
and she straggled her head. in a snake like way a little as we talked fought. i fought with ss.
she won. i knew she would. i will always listen to her because she has an amazing carreer and an ego that takes form in many incredible garments.
and me. alone.
babysitting.
coaching gymnastics.
yoga.
a stretching class.
a drama class.
michael howards class.
the open mike nights.
the walking across williambsurg bridge yesterday. and dancing in the middle. like i danced in class.
but not quite.
i can't control the letting go moments as much as i'd like.
i feel myself becoming an adult.
that's ss's thing. an adult. kids. very big separation.
she made me nervous for a second. thinking that i was too weak to be taking care of her kids.
it scared me.
but then made me stronger.
you have to face stuff.
you have to.
if you want to be better.
if i want to be a good babysitter. i can't take everything that kids say so seriously.
they make observations.
and then we get better or ignore.
or
whatever's clever.
dancing on the street last night with d silver. we were nuts. but we found the next thing. he has fans, you see. people like him a lot, you see.
because he delivers his truest self on stage. even though it's strange to some. it blows other people's minds.
and we must must must focus only on the people who's minds we are blowing.
this girl jess used to tell my ex boyfriend who then became her boyfriend how ugly i was.
i thought that was so interesting. that someone can just think you're so ugly.
everyone has taught them along their lives that someone who looked like me is ugly.
those voice lessons i'd go to.
the guy gay. me with my muscles. walking in. crying a bit at some time.
my new scene partner told me i have an interesting hand. and asked if i have ever had my palm read.
i think i am crazy.
i think i don't subscribe to this stupid world.
i think i subscribe to something much much better.
the woman last night, playing the banjo. she said she would never die. she played the banjo with all of her friends around. she was ugly. her teeth were like an animal's. something that gnaws on trees.
and with her banjo. she was exactly where she was supposed to be. playing exactly what she was supposed to play.
we were all listening.
i told her i wanted to dance and she said that you don't dance to the banjo.
she didn't hurt my feelings. she just said that.